I can't believe it's already been four years since you have gone. We were married 26 years and that time flew past me with amazing speed. But the past four years have gone in slow motion. The moment you took your last breath, time began to slow for me. It feels like it's creeping in to become a complete standstill now. I awake each morning, powerless over the waves of sadness which engulf me; taking the entire day to pull myself up from the dregs to a point where I can tolerate living on my own and subsequently completing the day through a fitful nocturnal sleep only to arise again at dawn to do it all over again.
Finally after those weeks of family, friends, company, the flowers, the food, the sorrow... I am left to my own devices, coping with your empty side of the bed. You've gone from this life and on to your next great adventure; without me. I thought those first four years before you died, when you were ill, that I would be prepared for you to go on.
Apparently not. I am grateful for you to be free of your pain, yet so sad for me to be without you by my side. I am strong, weak, mournful, joyful, grateful, resentful, forward seeking, memory hoarding, and so alone, emotionally detached from the whole situation. How the hell do I deal with THAT?!
I awaken every morning with the knowledge that there's no one who knows me anymore. Weird feeling THAT. Oh, there's people who think they know me and can talk the talk of someone who thinks they know me, but alas... Not even close. I should probably fix that because it's a weird feeling. Almost an aloneness, a void, a wrinkle in time...
Every day I think that maybe my sadness will ebb. Maybe it does just a little. I asked Ben recently, "How long does sad last?", and he said, "It lasts forever, it just gets put in a place everyday to where it finally becomes tolerable". Tolerable. What a sad comment in and of itself. Tolerable. Hmmnn...tolerable is not on of my strongest suits. How messed up is that?!
You were the most amazing man. So many friends who loved you. You completed me. You lifted me to heights where I would have never gone without your support. I am definitely SINGLE without you by my side.
I miss you being here but I know you are watching over me; keeping me safe from myself.
Thank you. It was an amazing ride.